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DLT's Deadlocks - NFL Picks Week 5 2014

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After a rough week, DLT looks to rebound.

Sean Gardner

Last week is the primary reason I caution you to avoid my picks like the plague. I'll have bouts of heavy suck, will a slight chance of mediocrity. In Week 4, I crashed and burned in a Hurricane of suckitude to the tune of 5-8. That's not against the spread, my friends. That's straight up who wins and who loses. Oh NFL, you fickle bitch.

I even went oh-fer on my upset specials. Who knew Pittsburgh would, as Antonio Brown puts it, "lose at home to the one of the worst teams in the NFL?" BTW, Antonio, what's that make your team?

Who would know the Dolphins would beat the Raiders so badly, they'd give Tony Sparano a head coaching job for the second time?

Who knew both Tom Brady and Drew Brees would suck as badly as my picks of their teams winning?

Nope, this is a classic Mora-ism. You think you know but you don't know and you never will.

So there it is. I'll take the same philosophy Jacksonville takes in to every game. Let's try to suck a little less this week, shall we?

Last Week: 5-8 38% Upset Specials: 0-2 0%

Season: 35-26 57%  Upset Specials: 3-6 33%

Byes: Dolphins, Raiders

Thursday

Packers 37, Vikings 13 - I was tempted to pick Minnesota in this game but it looks like Bridgewater won't play and the Vikings may need to go with Christian Ponder. Yep, Meat Packers it is.

Sunday

Bears 34, Panthers 20 - The Panthers offense is so inept right now, even the Bears defense may contain them. Plus, I thought Luke Kuechly was the heart of the defense? Who knew it was the girl friend-terrorizing Greg Hardy?

Upset Special: Browns 27, Titans 20 - Uh oh. Taking the Browns on the road? I must have descended into insanity.

Eagles 30, Rams 13 - Philly gets well on Austin Powers' Davis' team.

Giants 38, Falcons 27 - Let's see, Eli has finally figured out his new offense and Atlanta is taking that defense on the road.

Saints 34, Buccaneers 24 - Tampa Bay has lost their last two trips to NOLA by a combined score of 83-17. Plus, a Sean Payton coached team hasn't lost at home since 2010. If New Orleans doesn't win this game, we'll be saying ALL DAT TEAMS GONNA BEAT DEM 'AINTS.

Cowboys 26, Texans 20 - Texas' two teams are surprise contenders. How 'bout them...um...both?

Lions 27, Bills 16 - And I've broken my ankle jumping off the Bills' bandwagon. Someone circle the wagons, please.

Ravens 27, Colts 23 - I'm beginning to wonder which division is worse - the AFC South or the NFC South?

Steelers 40, Jaguars 20 - Surely the Steelers can't give up first wins in back-to-back weeks, right?

Broncos 30, Cardinals 20 - As much as I love the Cards this year, even I can't pick them to go into Peyton's house and beat him.

49ers 27, Chiefs 20 - Two teams that were suprising dominant in wins at home over perceived superior opponents. I'll go with the home team here.

Chargers 30, Jets 17 - Okay Chargers, I believe. I'm just not used to you winning early in the season. Shouldn't you be starting 1-4 and then have a furious rally to finish the season?

Sunday Night

Patriots 30, Bengals 20 - The Pats were embarrassed on MNF. I can't believe this is Tom Brady. Nope. They have to keep getting beat like a drum and Brady has to continue channeling his inner-McCown before I accept it.

Monday Night

Seahawks 30, Redskins 20 - Usually the team that got embarrased on Thursday Night football bounces back the next week. Not against the Seahawks.