Why I Think Greg Schiano Should Keep His Job Until 2017

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

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An Editorial Piece by Guest Writer Greg Schiano

Hey, fellas. Greg Schiano here. So, how's everybody doing? Glad to hear it. I know a lot of you are pretty mad at me, but guys, this is really all part of the plan.

I am trying to build something here. Let me explain.

I know there have been a lot of rumors about me. That I'm a control freak. That I treat the players like children. That I worship the Dark Arts in a dimly lit room at One Buc Place, surrounded by the remains of infants and crows, while my Disciple, Glennon, feeds me the Blood Nectar of the True Beast, Gruters the Terrible, the one who will bring order and destruction to this dismal plane of existence.

Well, I have news for you Tampa. They are all true.

I am not just trying to build a football team, but that's part of it. I am trying to build a team of winners. A team of leaders. A team that will help usher in a new golden age where Man and Demon alike can mate and slaughter freely, destroy, and take what they will.

You see, I first had the idea when I met my former Lord and Master, Billius Beliochok, who you know as "Bill Belichik." Bill isn't human. He's actually one of the Old Ones, a race of demons that walked the Earth Plane long before the Mortals crawled from the primordial ooze and dared to defile this world with their stench. Billius has been around a long time. He was one of the first Old Ones to witness the Dawn of Man, and he saw an opportunity. Rather than reject the coming of this new species into the world like his demon brethren, Billius chose to mate with one of them, hoping to create a hybrid of the two that would eventually give him sole domain over every plane of existence. His plan was discovered, however by the other Lords, and he was banished to walk the Earth Realm as a twisted and evil machination of Demon Blood and Man Spit for all time, never free to go home.

You might be asking yourself what this has to do with football and that's a pretty good question, but let me just tell you that the NFL is a lot older than any of you realize, and football is really just a form of Blood Magick that wears down the souls of its viewers and players for the beautiful nourishment of beasts and demons. That's the short answer, anyway.

But, Billius of course, knows this, and that's why he worked himself into such a respected position of power in the NFL. He once hinted to me of a plan to bring an end to his banishment, to bring an end to everything. And I like that plan. I like that plan a lot. And that's why I am going to do the work he has never been able to do. I just need time.

Come on, you knew there had to be a reason for those joint practices, right? We were spying on each other. It's what our kind does. He thinks he has the upper-hand, but he has no idea what I am planning. What's to come. Why do you think we sent Aqib Talib and Blount there? Because of PEDs? Get real.

I know it's been frustrating, Tampa, it's been frustrating for me too. That Freeman punk almost ruined everything, but I showed him, didn't I? And don't think I don't know what you are planning, Gerald McCoy. I have eyes everywhere.

Why do you think I have brought in so many of my "coaches" and "players" from Rutgers? Rutgers is an anagram of Gruters. It should be so obvious. Foolish mortals.

Look, I know you all expect me to get, "fired", and are really annoyed that I haven't been yet, but the truth is, the Glazers are doing everything they can to cast me out. They have powerful Magicks, it's true, but really, their petty tricks are nothing when compared to my might.

Still, I need your support, Tampa. I need to maintain my hold on this dismal area until 2017. By then, I will have amassed enough of the Dark Energies I need to carry out my revenge.

I'll even try to get you a Super Bowl, since you mortals find that so pleasing. You just have to be patient. I promise.

Pledge your support for my dark crusade in the Comments Section. When the reckoning comes, I will grant you a wonderful spot in my new world.

Trust me, you don't want Lovius S'mi'nth here. That guy scares even me.

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