I can’t tell you the brilliant picks segment I just wrote for you guys. It was full of witty commentary, amazing banter and probably the most poetic linguistic use of prose I’ve ever compiled.
Unfortunately – one of the mice at SBNation’s posting wheel keeled over (kinda like the Bucs did last season) and now you’re left with this pile of rubbish.
It’s fine though, as you’re unfortunately going to be subject to possibly the worst picker in the history of NFL games. And what’s even worse? I’m doing straight up – not spreads – I am not a gambler so I have no interest in them.
Last season I managed a mediocre 165-91 (64%) record in my pick segment. Even worse, my upset specials were legendarily bad – at 9-18 (33%)
So why, you ask, is Sander allowing me to write these columns?
Well, because this article is meant to be fun. It’s me mocking the teams while you mock me and I mock myself. Got it?
I’ll be making pop culture references, obscure references to Doctor Who that only geeks will get and I’m going to poke and prod at the NFL that might get some of you a little miffed. It’s all in fun.
So if you can’t stand terms like "The Free-Chise", this pick segment may not be for you.
Otherwise, Allon-sy! That means come on and let’s pick Week One.
Giants 17, Cowboys 10 – The NFL begins Week One with replacement refs. Man, wouldn’t be terrible if a bad call costs someone a game? I mean, that never happens to the real refs….right, Ed Hoculi? Meanwhile, the G-men open the season at home against the Dallas Jerrys. Let’s see: Hated Rival on your Home Turf. Check. You have more talent. Check. You have a shiny new ring to shove into the face of said hated division rival. Check. Sounds like a party in the Big Apple.
Bears 20, Colts 10 – Welcome to the NFL, Mr. Luck. You’re going to need it. Meanwhile, as long as Jay Cutler isn’t on the sideline scowling – do you think the Fozzies can challenge the Meat Packers for first in the Norris? Let’s just concentrate on a small win at Indy, first.
Upset Special #1 Chiefs 23, Falcons 2 – My first upset special of 2012 are the Googlies beating the Fluke-ins. The Great Googly Mooglies are tough at Arrowhead when their team is adequate and they may be 2012’s surprise team (other than that Mayan club from South America). Meanwhile, the ATL thinks it can unseat the Saints by running Michael Turner less. Yeah, that should work.
Eagles 27, Browns 3 – The Iggles are going to introduce the new Nike technology for Michael Vick’s uniform – it’s called – bubble wrap. Also, let’s see – the Dog Killer in the Dawg Pound? Not a good combo for the Brownie fans, who have their hopes for a good season dashed by halftime.
Saints 30, Redskins 23 – The Saints will be on their 11th regeneration of a coach and their 4th string defense by the time this one kicks off. It won’t matter against teams like these as long as their 1st string quarterback stays healthy. RG III will do his best Cam but it won’t be good enough.
Lions 23, Rams 6 – Oh those feisty Lions. On the police blotter this off-season than on the scoreboard last season. Yet the Cowardly Ones are playing the Scams – the team that L.A. is still trying to forget.
Patriots 26, Titans 20 – Jake Locker’s first game as a full time starter comes against the Hoodie and the AFC Champions. Good luck, Hoss. Meanwhile, does anyone else believe the Flaming Thumbtacks (thanks BSPN) can take the AFC South? Don’t care? Me either.
Vikings 13, Jaguars 6 – MJD is back and Fantasy Football players rejoice! But if an MJD falls in the forest and there’s no one there to see it – did it happen?
Upset Special #2 Bills 20, Jets 10 – Tebow and Sanchez. Sanchez and Tebow. Tebow. Sanchez. Sanchez. Tebow. Fuh. Fuh. Fuh. SANCHEZ IS TEBOW! TEBOW IS SANCHEZ! TEBOW IS A MAN! (plungers own face). Admit it, you read that in Ace Ventura’s voice.
Texans 23, Dolphins 10 – The Dolphins won 6 of their last 9 then fired their coach. Doh! Meanwhile, the Tex-Mex look to stir the secret sauce in the AFC South. This week – Fish Fry! Caliente!
Seahawks 24, Cardinals 13 – I’m actually excited to see the Seahags new diminutive signal caller, Russell Wilson. Meanwhile, the Angry Birds get a little angrier when they realize that either of their quarterbacks aren’t as good as a fat Donovan McNabb sitting on the couch eating bon-bons.
49ers 23, Packers 13 – The Meat Packers don’t have to worry about that undefeated thing this season. Meanwhile, the Gold Peddlers look to prove that last season wasn’t some strange NFL lockout anomaly.
Panthers 23, Buccaneers 17 – I wanted to go with my heart in this one. But Josh Freeman is just too inconsistent. Sure, Cam is going to come into this one off his next GQ shoot and the Bucs defense is all detergenty ("New and Improved"). But I think this might be the same box of tide with just an added McCoy torn bicep.
Steelers 26, Broncos 13 – Peyton Manning is back! How long will he last? I say three quarters. TEBOW IS A MAN! (plungers own face)
Upset Special #3 Bengals 23, Ravens 13 – I like the Red Rifle to A.J. Green combo the Bungles have put together and The Nevermores' D has taken some hits with injuries, free agency and Ed Reed’s old man pants. Meanwhile, Jon Gruden’s expanding ego has forced JAWS out of the box and back to Bristol. Way to go, Coach! We just love hearing you gush about guys you love.
Raiders 25, Chargers 20 – The Raiders fired their coach after being too successful last season. Of course they did, it’s the Raiders. Isn’t their motto "Commitment to Excrement" or something like that? Meanwhile, I believe it’s contractually obligated that the Chargers begin the season 0-1. It’s right there in black and white, right next to the naked picture of Alex Spanos that Norv Turner keeps in his desk drawer for "leverage".
So there it is! This week’s picks. You may mock in 3….2….1.