NFL Picks Week Two - DLT's Deadlocks

Well, I warned you, didn't I? But you did it anyway. You bet the cardboard box on my upset special that the Chiefs would beat the Falcons (allowing only 2 points by the Atl at that) or the Bills would Tebow the Jets - and now you don't even have it for shelter.

Its not my fault if you didn't listen. I told you that this was for entertainment purposes only - but for some, that's a license to bet their third child.

After finishing week one on the worst possible foot you could get (Damn you Cam Newton, Ben Roethlisberger, Carson Palmer and Russell Wilson!), I'm looking to rally from absolutely putrid to somewhat mediocre.

The record speaks for itself. For the squimish - avert your eyes...

Continued after the jump..

2012 Picks Total: 7-9 Upset Specials: 0-3

Last Week: 7-9 (0-3 on upset specials)

Thursday Night

Packers 23, Bears 20 - What a great game we have tonight! To bad those who have Brighthouse or any of the other Time Warner cable carriers won't be able to see it. I just can't see the Packers losing two straight at home to begin the season - even without Greg Jennings.

Sunday

Upset Special: Buccaneers 20, Giants 17 - I just can't express how many times I've changed my mind on this game. Is the Bucs defense for real? Can they protect Josh Freeman? Will the Giants employ replacement refs in their secondary to fill in for that M*A*S*H unit? Hakeem Nicks is banged up. My brain tells me that the Bucs are catching the Giants at the perfect time...but then my gut tells me - it's the Super Bowl Champs, at their house, and they're pissed. Ultimately, I let my dog decide. Two Barks for the Bucs, one for the G-men. He barked twice. LeStat (he's a yorkie...what do you expect me to name him - Killer?) will likely be 1-0 in his upset specials, while I'll remain 0-3.

Dolphins 23, Raiders 13 - I'm picking against Oakland because they ruined my theory that the Chargers must always start 0-1. That and it's a west coast team coming to the East coast and if the Dolphins don't win this one, they might not win one at all.

Texans 30, Jaguars 10 - The Texans are who we thought they were. So are the Jags.

Bengals 23, Browns 3 - Brandon Weeden's on pace for 64 interceptions this season (we do math here).

Bills 48, Chiefs 40 - The two teams that surrendered 40-burgers (Thanks, Mooch) meet on one field. The folks at the Arena Football league offices are going to love this one.

Ravens 23, Eagles 13 - The Nevermore's erased any doubt with their embarrassment of the Cincinnati Bungles. The Eagles WERE an embarrassment against Cleveland but somehow pulled a rabbit out of their collective ass hats.

Panthers 26, Saints 13- I guess losing the head coach (and the guy who basically created their offense) of your football team does have an effect. This week, Cam looks more like Cam and not Sam, the barber at quarterback. Stone cold lead pipe lock: The Panthers will rush for more than 10 yards this week.

Patriots 37, Cardinals 13 - Euphoria of the emergence of Kevin Kolb for Cards fans will soon be trumped by the realization that...well, he's Kevin Kolb. Meanwhile, the Belicheats keep doin' what they're doin'.

Vikings 23, Colts 13 - Could the Minnesota Vikings be 2-0? When you start with the Jags and the Bronies, USC could be 2-0.

Redskins 23, Rams 13 - The new hot thing in quarterbacking meets the old hot thing in quarterbacking. Wasn't Sam Bradford supposed to be in the Hall of Fame by now? Take note, RG III. The NFL is a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately league.

Cowboys 34, Seahawks 20 - Going to Seattle is never an easy proposition but perhaps the Seahags will ultimately realize that maybe going with the rookie over the guy who has a bunch of one start in the NFL career...ah nevermind.

Steelers 23, Jets 13 - It was the Bills, not the Jets, that led to those 48 points. Steelers bring the J-E-T-S back down to earth.

Chargers 26, Titans 13 - Phillip Rivers vs. Jake Locker...hmm....lemme think....

Sunday Night

49ers 30, Lions 13 - The Niners punish the Lions as the undercard, then watch Jim Harbaugh kick Jim Schwartz's backside as the Main Event. Watch the low blows, Jimmys!

Monday Night

Broncos 23, Falcons 20 - Okay, so Peyton made it through one game and looked like the Peyton of old. That doesn't mean he'll make the season. Meanwhile, the Dirty Ones polished off the sweet bag of Make-DLT-Look-Like-A-JagOff. To-Late. I don't care, I'm still picking against them this week. Cue the cheers in the ATL.