NFL Picks Week 13 - DLT's Deadlocks

It's hard to be this good. I get up in the morning just like you...my loyal subjects...and put one pantaloon on at a time, just as you do.

Yet here we are on yet another stellar week of prognostication by me. 13-3 and 2 out of 4 on my upset specials. It would have been 14-2 and 3 of 4 if Josh Freeman could complete a freaking pass to a wide open receiver in the end zone! Off with his head!

I am also 25-5 (83%) in my last two week, 44-13-1 since Week 10 (77%).

Anyway, since I have been feeling like royalty of late, I feel it's time to bestow upon you my seer's knowledge. I will also offer my kingly decree for each NFL team.

(Eat your heart out Nostradumbass)

Last Week: 13-3 81% Upset Special: 2 of 4 (50%)

Season: 104-71-1 59% Upset Specials: 8-25 (24%)

Thursday Night

Falcons 30, Saints 20 - For Atlanta, I decree a single playoff win should be theirs - just to get the monkey off their backs while for the Saints, I decree that Drew Brees shall again go to the Pro Bowl. Huzzah!

Sunday

Bears 23, Seahawks 13 - For Chicago, I decree a healthy Jay Cutler will win them the NFC Nigh...er North. As for ye olde Seahags, I decree that you shall not pass...into the playoffs if you cannot win on the road.

Texans 30, Titans 13 - I decree for the Texans a deep playoff run and home field advantage throughout. For Yon Flaming Thumbtacks, I decree that Chris (Johnson) gets his groove back.

Patriots 26, Dolphins 3 - I decree for the Patriots that Aquib Talib shall not enter the Tower (jail) or be racked (suspended). I also decree that the Dolphins fictional sell out streak will actually be real this week - with Patriot fans.

Upset Special: Jaguars 23, Bills 13 - I decree that no one watches this travesty.

Colts 23, Lions 13 - I decree that because Indy has been so "Lucky" with their QB situation, they should be punished by having no offensive line to protect him. I decree that the Lions should be tamed and neutered.

Panthers 23, Chiefs 13 - I decree that Carolina will continue to injure their draft status by winning meaningless games. I decree that Kansas City will "earn" its way to the number one over pick in the 2013 NFL Draft.

Packers 30, Vikings 13 - I decree that the Aaron Rodgers will score 40 points for my fantasy team this week. I decree that the Vikings hopes for a playoff berth will continue to slip away.

49ers 30, Rams 20 - I decree that the 49ers will pay for their mistreatment of Alex Smith - just not this week. I decree the Scams shall finally give up on the idea Sam Bradford is an elite quarterback.

Jets 20, Cardinals 13 - I decree that for one single week, the dysfunctional Jets will make Fireman Ed rethink his decision to quit on his team. I decree the Cardinals will be one of the teams looking for a new coach.

Broncos 30, Buccaneers 20 - I decree that Peyton Manning will have his Broncos competing for a Super Bowl berth (and lose). I decree the Bucs shall not lose another game after this week.

Ravens 37, Steelers 13 - I decree that Baltimore shall win the AFC North. I also decree that Pittsburgh will not win another game until Big Ben returns.

Chargers 26, Bengals 20 - I decree that the Chargers will begin winning enough to create yet another stay of execution for Norv Turner. I decree the Bengals shall become who we thought they were.

Raiders 26, Browns 16 - I decree the Raiders will finally win a home game. I also decree that the Browns shall never win two games in a row as that would destroy the space time continuum.

Sunday Night

Cowboys 30, Eagles 13 - I decree Cowboy fans will be overly excited to see their team take over the final playoff spot in the NFC - only to be disappointed that they won't be there in the end. I decree the Eagles shall put Andy Reid out of his misery.

Monday Night

NY Giants 26, Washington 13 - I decree that the Giants continue their late season surge. I also decree that the Mike Shannahan can finally be proven right - the season is dead.