NFL Week 5 Picks - DLT's Deadlocks

Who knew that throwing darts at a dartboard could do so well at picking games? Well, since I was much less mediocre with my picks this week than last, I'm of course going back to the dart board again, right?

Wrong. If something worked, don't do it again - that's what I say (and apparently so do the Bucs' coaches). You can't recapture that magic in a bottle and sell it. You know the old saying, "don't go to the well too many times."

No, Ole' Darty had his moment in the sun - let's not ruin his glorious legacy of non-mediocre-ness like Brett Favre ruined his by sticking around too long.

This week, I'm giving my cat Artemis a shot. We have two scratching posts....one with the logo of each team and spiked with the Kitty Heroin, Catnip. whichever post he goes to first is our winner.

Yeah, that should work, right? Say hello to My little furry friend!

Season: 36-27 57% Upset Specials: 3-5 37%

Last Week: 11-4 73% Upset Specials: 1 out of 2

Sleeping on the Couch: Cowboys, Lions, Raiders, Buccaneers

Thursday Night

Cardinals 26, Rams 20 - Can the Cards actually go 5-0? Arizona has quietly become one of the league's most consistent winners, winning 11 of there...Arty? What are you doing Arty? DO NOT EAT THE CARDINALS LOGO! Stop it! It's not an EDIBLE Bird! I guess we're going with the Cards on this one.

Sunday

Eagles 27, Steelers 26 - The city of brotherly hate against the city that used to make steel. Two storied franchises, one pretty good at winning Super Bowls, the other....eh not so much. The big difference in this one is the Steelers simply aren't playing good ball right now. The Eagles may be all smoke and mirrors but their going to smoke another mirror this week (is that a drug reference? I don't know...I'm so out of touch). Artemis agrees, going after another bird.

Packers 38, Colts 20 - The Meat Packers finally got back on track against America's slump buster, the Aints. Now they get the MyLittlePonies who actually haven't been that bad this season. Arty apparently likes the green and gold, as it seems to remind him of his hair balls.

Giants 38, Browns 10- Oh the Brownies. I can sympathize with their fans. I've been there. Every year believing this is going to be the year your club turns it around only to have your hopes dashed before the start of October. Who am I kidding? The Bucs are right there with them (although at least the Bucs have 3 victories in the nearly won column - where is that listed in the NFL Standings and is it a playoff tie-breaker?). Anyway, they're going to New York to face the Little Giants and well, it's going to be more of the same. No Arty...stop that! Eli is not kitty litter!

Falcons 48, Redskins 35 - No one could have predicted the NFC South would be this atrocious. At this rate, Atlanta will be the tallest midget by Week 9, but at least this week my fantasy team will get a lot of production out of Roddy White. As great as RG III has been, they're horrid on defense. Arty likes yet another bird - go figure.

Bengals 23, Dolphins 16 - Apparently, Florida's NFL teams know how to lose good. I know that sounds like bad English but it's true! The Bucs have been great at losing, taking the Giants, Cowboys and Redskins to the final gun before surrendering the W. The Dolphins did one better, taking the undefeated Cardinals to overtime on the road before giving up the booty (still talkin' pirate speak here, you pervs). If the Bengals do one thing well its beat up on shi bad teams. Arty likes his fellow felines.

Ravens 36, Chiefs 6 - Great googly moogly the CHEFs are bad. There's two pools going around the BucNation offices. Who is more likely to make it to the titanic Bucs-Chiefs slobberknockerfestivusfortherestofus next week - Romeo Crennel or Matt Cassel? For the record, my money's on Crennel. Arty loves his birds.

Seahawks 23, Panthers 16 - The Seahags laid an egg in St. Louis but I think they just had a case of the Mondays (as in Monday Night Theft Hangover). I like the Hags' defense and their running game and I'm not sure what I like about the HelloKitties right now. Arty likes the bird over the Kitties.

Upset Special: Jaguars 20, Bears 10- Yet another Florida team that plays just well enough to lose. This week DA BEARS come to town off their Monday Night destruction of Tony Romo and Jerry's team. Arty - stop doing that to the Jaguar picture! No, its not a girl kitty! Stop it! Argh...I guess I'm going with the Jags in an upset. Stop it! Don't make me get my spray bottle!

Patriots 33, Broncos 27 - When was the last time Peyton Manning played well at New England? Meanwhile, I think the Bills got the Pats a bit angry last week - I think the Pats will still angry one more week to take it out on their favorite punching bag. Arty agrees - New England.

49ers 30, Bills 17 - The Gold Diggers got back on track last week by absolutely destroying the New York Jests (spelling intentional). The Bills dominated the Patriots...for about a half - then made them mad. Artemis...where are you going? You have to pick this game? No, leave the stupid fuzz ball alone - no one cares if you can bat it around the house...I guess I have to pick this one...oh wait! Arty just sashayed past the Niners post - let's go with that.

Vikings 23, Titans 13 - Break up the Vikings! Minnesota is this year's Detroit - the feel good story about a team that experts expected to suck rising from their suckitude to be a pretty darn good football team. The Flaming Thumbtacks (thanks BSPN) were supposed ta be somebody...they was supposed ta be a conten-dah! Instead, they are garbage. Maybe David Hasselhoff Matt Hasselbeck can turn around the season for them. Arty likes the Norsemen over the F.T's.

Sunday Night

Chargers 30, Saints 27 - Oh how the mighty have fallen. In New Orleans it looks like it might be time to break out the Aints bags as right now New Orleans can't buy a win but they certainly bought their way to losses - A-OH! I'll be here all night, don't forget to tip the waitress. It seems the answer to the age old question of Who Dat Gonna Beat Dem Saints is everyone - BOOM SHAKALACKA...and this week, the Chargeless Ones come all the way across the country to get their W. Arty likes the Powder Blue unis better, too.

Monday Night

Texans 39, Jets 3 - For Mark Sanchez, he knows he's living on borrowed Tebow Time. Another disastrous performance and Jests' quarterback may not be the only one concerned about job security. The best team the NFL never told you about - the Houston Redundants, get a win - so sees Arty the Cat (which is something like Jimmy the Greek - but without the cigar...or gambling problem).