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Diary of a Football Dad: Set Sail for England

Jolly Ho, Bucs fans. The Football Dad decided to add a decidedly British flair to this week’s diary, guv’nor. Given that we’re playing the Patriots, we may be dropping quite a few Gor Blimeys and Bolluckses. If you aren’t familiar with those English words, they are both British for "What on Earth is Raheem Morris doing that for?" and "Did JJ really try to make that throw?" Please enjoy, as we did in my house.

12:00PM: One of my favorite games to play at meal times consists of pretending like I’m on a cooking reality show, and explaining the dish I’ve made for lunch to my children. Here’s some quotes:

"Child 1, for you today I’ve prepared a jelly spread, applied that to an amazing bread that appears white, but is actually baked from whole grains. Then, I added a butter reduction from peanuts. On the side, you have some applesauce, spiced with cinnamon. Enjoy."

"Child 2, I slow roasted some turkey, sliced that, shredded it and placed it in a bed of swiss cheese, with the help of Oscar Meyer. I’ve diced some fresh gala apples and put those on toothpicks, a delicacy in this area. Enjoy."

12:05PM: Lots of eye rolling and head shaking.

12:45PM: Significant Other notices that I purchased some Halloween candy while at the store this week and she is impressed. What she does not notice is a bag of single serving Reese's Peanut Butter cups secretly stashed throughout the house. That would not impress her.

1:00PM: I mention to Significant Other that the Buccaneers are ill suited to running a two-gap system. She thought a two Gap system involved having a Gap at each mall in town, which reminds her that she saw a great button down shirt that would look much nicer than my John Lynch jersey.  I don't believe that Jim Bates draws it up like that.

1:15PM:Gor Blimey. Child 2 asks why the man with the skeleton on his helmet threw the ball to the man with the nice guy on his helmet. I don’t have an answer for her. This reminders her, can I read "Skeleton Gets the Hiccups"?

2:08PM: To me, the defining play of the 2009 Buccaneers. Third down and one at midfield. Loss of two. Ty Warren smashed our Pro Bowl right guard three yards into the backfield. The offensive line is our strength. Really? Fashion sense and social graces are my strengths.

2:30PM: I’m drinking lots of water because last night, I went to a niece’s wedding and had a few "Brad Johnsons", so to speak. I love weddings, mainly because the beer is priced right. This wedding however had lots of college age people dancing, a sure way to make one feel old. However, I learned a new song called "Stanky Legg" by the GS Boyz. Check out their website, Notably, the GS Boyz strive to get people to dance rather than join gangs.  When did we stop doing the Chicken Dance?

2:55PM: I’m reviewing my texts from last night. At 9:58PM I sent this message to my brother "Brother, enjoying a few ‘Warren Sapps‘, lots of good ideas for the column". His reply, "I’m cleaning up cat puke and giving the daughter a bath. Not many good ideas here." He’s probably has a completely different interpretation of a "Stanky Legg" right now.

3:45PM: Child 1 asks "Is that the guy with the sweet afro playing quarterback, now?" A new era has begun. In all fairness to Raheem and Dominik, their tenure started now. A great quarterback covers a multitude of problems. Is Josh Freeman a franchise quarterback? That remains to be seen, but I’m hopeful. Significant Other noticed that Rah called someone on the phone prior to inserting Freeman. She asked if he was calling his wife to get her thoughts on it. I’m not going to dignify that with a response.

4:02PM: As we finish the game with a whopping one sack, I’m thinking about Gaines Adams. Now, everyone says that we made a good deal by getting a second round pick. Here’s my take on that: trading players for draft picks only proves valuable if the draft picks succeed. Ask Kansas City fans who they drafted from the bevy of picks they procured in the Jared Allen trade. They’d be hard pressed to tell you. A friend on my block is a huge KC fan. I asked him this question the other day and he punched me in the face. Football is an emotional sport.

4:11PM: I’m trying to get the highlights when the dog starts vomiting in front of the TV. Out comes a half-eaten single serving Reese’s Peanut Butter cup. Significant Other looks at me. Bollucks….