In a shocking move, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have announced that they've re-hired Greg Schiano as their head coach this year. Rumor has it that Bill Belichick flew into Tampa on Friday to sell the Glazers on re-hiring Schiano, lest he be stuck with him for the rest of the year. Belichick would not comment on the situation, merely noting "Mgrmbmrbmr," before flipping us the bird.
"After careful consideration, we decided this situation needed Greg Schiano," Bucs co-chairman Joel Glazer said in a statement. "The excitement that Greg brought to the Bucs was simply something we could do not do without. I mean, remember what we did in past years? We signed Pro Bowlers! We had MRSA! We traded for Darrelle Revis! All we did this year was sign some quietly competent players for reasonable salaries."
Lovie Smith and his staff were gracious in the face of this unexpected news, no doubt in part because they'll now get paid while being able to spend actual time with their families.
"I'm more than happy to step down for Greg Schiano," Lovie Smith said. "The team decided to move in a different direction, and I can't say I blame them. Our moves over the past few months simply haven't brought the public attention this team so desperately needs. There have been no shocking revelations or signs of incompetence, and very few snarky media pieces. You have to understand, the Glazers really like that snark."
Jeff Tedford concurred. "Look, this 'speed in space' stuff sounds great, but at the end of the day you need a quarterback. We're still looking for one, trying to find upgrades, and the Glazers simply aren't happy with that. They haven't had a franchise quarterback, ever, and Greg Schiano promises them Mike Glennon is the guy. So they like that stability."
Gerald McCoy was as happy as ever. "I can't wait to run these stunts again. I mean, with Michael Johnson next to me, that's going to be awesome. Having him run circles around me looking for an open block while I get double-teamed because of Schiano's defensive design -- how can that not help our team?"
Most Bucs fans seemed depressed, but not so Joe from Clearwater. "I can't wait! I'm so excited to have back this Trust, Belief and Accountability. Now hopefully coach can finally do what he should have done all along and bring in Tim Tebow! Maybe he can trade for Kenny Britt and sign DeSean Jackson, too. We need a deep threat and those Rutgers players sure seem to work!"
Greg Schiano will immediately go to work establishing a new staff, and watching the tape on draft prospects. While the team is late in hiring their new head coach, Schiano notes that he's comfortable he can get a good staff together. "I know people in college, especially at Rutgers. Trust me. We'll do fine. We'll have an excellent staff in place. Just look at we did the past two years -- sure, not everything worked out. But just have a little patience, and those wins will come."
Happy April Fools!