Look, the Buccaneers are not in a good way right now. We all know the team is screwed. So, very, very screwed. Go ahead and panic, it's fine. Smash things in your home, yell at your children, yell at any children, quit your job, actually get up and get a job; whatever you need to do to feel better about this terrible predicament, do it.
"SIGN TEBOW" posters are littering the length of Dale Mabry Blvd. Bucs jerseys are being used as diapers for infants. And good jerseys, not just like, Dexter Jackson jerseys, I'm talking Brooks and Sapp here.
People are actually calling for Dan Orlovksy to start.
Yes, it's that bad.
You might think Schiano should be fired. You might even think you know the reasons Commander Schiano should be fired.
Four straight losses to open the season.
A coaching staff seemingly unable to fully utilize the potential of a roster stacked with Pro-Bowl talent.
A QB controversy that makes the 2012 New York Jets look like an actual NFL team.
Well, you are wrong. You are wrong and I hate you.
Sure, those are decent reasons, I guess. If you think things like, "Wins" and "Losses" matter, but those don't cut it with me. Anyone can come in here and add a gaggle of Rutgers coaches to their staff and go out and lose some games.
No, I need more.
I want my fellow Buccaneers fans to understand exactly why this coach needs to go, and why he needs to go now. Before it's too late.
- Greg Schiano tries to rewind his DVDs.
- Schiano eats his pasta before it's fully cooked.
- Schiano says shit like, "Well, when you have kids, you'll understand."
- Schiano's favorite Star Wars movie is The Matrix.
- Schiano backs into parking spaces. In a Hummer.
- Schiano give his pets human names like, "Paul" and "Victoria."
- He thinks the lyrics to 'Losing My Religion' are, "Let's pee in the corner, let's pee in the spotlight."
- He likes R.E.M.
- He's kind of the guy that will punch you in the arm really hard and say, "Dude, I'm just kidding, relax."
- He puts water in his cereal when he's out of milk, instead of just not eating cereal.
- Always thinks the "book is better than the movie", despite having never actually read the book in question.
- Asks you a question and then asks another one before you have time to answer.
- His hero is Bill Belichik.
- He never refills the stapler.
- He's from New Jersey.
There you have it, people. I hope you can appreciate just how bad this situation really is.
As for me, I'll be counting down the days until the draft. We still have that 1st round pick, right?