New Coach Expected To, "Take Things Slow."
In a move that has shocked the sports world, The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have decided to name a Wild Sloth as their new head coach, effectively immediately.
"We are excited to see what this Sloth can bring to the future of this franchise, both on and off the field" said team president Malcom Glazer, while feeding the sloth a bowl of salted leaves from a Cercropia tree in front of the assembled media after a devastating loss to the now 2-4 Atlanta Falcons.
"We are thankful for everything Coach Schiano brought to this team, but frankly, his time is done. When we met with the Sloth, it was initially just to bring him on as a consultant, much in the way that Butch Davis has operated with the team; but after meeting with the many beetles and fungi that live on his back in a mutually beneficial eco-system, we knew we had to lock this guy down before someone else does."
General Manager Mark Dominik said that, "We feel this Sloth's, 'lay down and take it' attitude is a perfect symbol for the way our organization has handled itself in 2013."
Elaborating further, he stated, "this endangered critter is emblematic of our stance that adapting is completely overrated and unnecessary."
When asked how he felt about the move, now former Head Coach Greg Schiano merely shrugged, stating, "That's just the way of this business. Sometimes you can come up from the college ranks and get it done, and sometimes you need to be a member of the Chordata Phylum with a low metabolic system and a digestive process that causes your stomach to break down food at an alarmingly slow rate. That's just the NFL. Look at Nick Saban, for instance. He's both, and he couldn't get it done at his level."
The Sloth then proceeded to drool and wrap his tendril like toes around the microphone, lulling himself to sleep for the required 12-15 hours of necessary rest that allows him to survive, which drew a boisterous chuckle from the local and national media present.
Malcolm Glazer then scooped the Sloth up, kissed him on the forehead, and ended the press conference.
In other NFL news and a move that many around the league saw coming, The 0-6 New York Giants have moved on from long time coach Tom Coughlin and named a rescued Tufted Deer as their Interim Head Coach. The Deer is expected to address the media later today.