Greg Schiano becomes the first coach in the NFL to be placed on Injured Reserve. Sure, that's a designation usually reserved for players. But special circumstances prompted the league to make an exception. Schiano has a bad case of Foot-In-Mouth disease. This is a serious illness that comes about when a person says something like "The last coach's team was the 'Laughing Stock of the League'," and then that person then proceeds to make that 'Laughing Stock' seems like nothing by creating a 'Laughing Stock' of himself like none we've ever seen.
Symptoms of Foot-In-Mouth disease are mental numbness, night sweats, teeth gnashing, jutting of the chin forward, paranoia, poor judgement and general acting like an ass. Though not usually fatal, treatment is often painful and can take months or even years to make a full recovery. The recommended treatment is usually separation from current circumstances and months of self-reflection and self-evaluation.
So with Schiano recovering from his self-inflicted disease on the IR, the natural choice for replacement in the interim would be Dave Wannstedt. Sure, he wasn't a great coach in the NFL. But let's face it. This season is pretty much lost. There isn't sufficient enough play from the QB position to make a real comeback this season. The main thing here is to stop the bleeding. Watching the team on Sunday it looked as if many of the players just gave up. Reminiscent of the time Monte Kiffin gave the ill-advised announcement to the team that he was leaving them after the season. The defense fell apart and we all know the rest.
So by promoting Wannstedt, who does have the experience to fill the role for the remainder of the season, the ownership will be sending the message to the team that they get it. The horrible experiment in fascism is over. The players will be re-energized and feel like they can go out and play. And with the talent we have on the roster we can probably avoid the 0-16 mark we are headed for. Let's face it. Players are human. Some of them could understandably fall into the trap of purposely tanking in order to ensure that Schiano is removed. And who of us could honestly blame them. Haven't we all had a job at some time in our life when we dreaded going to work. When we purposely dodged the boss at the water cooler only to have him sneak up on us awkwardly at the urinal. Talk about being trapped. But I digress. The point is that we want our Revises and our VJ's and our Goldsons to enjoy coming to work. To do all the little things necessary during the week to put there very best out there on Sunday.
My dear Buc fans, sadly I feel that the Glazers have no choice but to make this move swiftly or this infection is going to fester and create more problems that we will never even know about. Sure, Scott Smith will continue to tell us everything is rosy, but we all know that there will be resentment and disunity boiling over in the locker room. We want our young players to feel like there is a bright future for them in Tampa. Not telling their agents to get them the heck out of there at the first chance. We have a tremendously talented roster. We can't afford to have a mass exodus of our players just so ownership can save face. They need to own up to the fact that they may have overreached by hiring the best disciplinarian candidate after the Romper Raheem Room regime instead of the most qualified. Hey, it happens. You took a chance and it didn't work out. Now let's move on. Let the Dave Wannstedt Interim Coach era begin.
And now for the best part of the discussion: HOW AND WHEN THE FIRING SHOULD BEGIN.
1. WEEK 15- Dec 15th. Yes, I know this runs counter-intuitive to my rationale for saving the morale of the players but hear me out here. Remember a couple years ago when there was the handshake feud between Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz. Schwartzy got his panties so bunched we thought he was going to punch Harbaugh. Most people had their money on Harbaugh in a head-to-head fight. I say let Schiano command his players to do one of those victory formation disruptions he is so famous for. Our defense should just run right at Colin Kaepernick and put him on the ground. Don't worry, they WILL have a victory formation. Our team will be so disheveled by that point that they can't possibly win one. Then Harbaugh will absolutely level Schiano. It will look like a baseball scrum with the bleachers clearing out. And if Schiano gets accidentally stepped on by say Revis and two or three of his friends so be it. Won't it all be worth it to see Harbaugh flatten Schee.
2. WEEK 7- Oct 20th. Do this one Lane Kiffin style. Yes, dump him at the airport. Seven is such a nice number to cut ties on. Lucky number seven. The Ole Sevenster. Leaving him crying at the airport. Sorry, Greg. Guess you'll have to use your Delta Miles and find your own ride home. Hey, maybe you could get an interview at Georgia Tech. I'm sure they have something for you. Maybe ball boy for the women's tennis team.
3. WEEK 8- Oct 24th. Cam Newton has his best performance of his career. He surpasses Peyton Manning's high score for the season and throws up, I don't know, say 53 points...by HALFTIME!! Mark Dominik walks out onto the 50 yard line just before kick-off of the second half. He motions for Schiano to meet him. He pulls out a microphone from his back pocket and announces that Greg Schiano is fired effective immediately in front of the home crowd. The place goes nuts!!! The crowd reaches 142 dB and surpasses Seattle's noise record. Then Dominik motions for security to escort him out. Dominik earns a new-found respect from all of us and regains his testacles. Wannstedt takes over. The Glazers now begin the search for 2014's new coach of the Bucs.
4. WEEK 9- Nov 3rd. We hire Marshawn Lynch to take out Schiano a la Tonya Harding on the sidelines during one of his runs. This will all be carefully orchestrated, of course, so that everyone standing around Greg clears out of the way at the predesignated time. Knee-a-shattering, Greg is carted off the field on a stretcher, giving the thumbs up. But upon further review, the replay clearly shows that it was his middle finger up, not his thumb. The commissioner suspends him indefinitely for conduct detrimental to the sport. He is fined $50,000.